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  #1  
Old 12-06-2010, 09:56 PM
Clinton Clinton is offline
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Default I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

Ok, I'm stuck in a tough spot, and a sad one too. My Dad went in the hospital last Thursday. For the past several years he has had breathing problems due to smoking which led to heart attacks, emphysema, and COPD. Friday his doctor told him he has less than a year to go. Its upsetting to hear that kind of thing and I wish that the doctor would have just said nothing. My whole family is so upset, my kids dont know about it though. The advice I need is this; Any holiday, gathering or whatever, We all want to make it a good time and just have fun to give my dad good times before the end. But when it comes down to it, everyone will be the sad clown, painted on smiles but crying on the inside and I dont know how to handle something like this, in get togethers and just being with him in general.

I want him to have a blast, ya know boobs and moosknucklin kind of blast but I just feel that that lingering knowledge is always going to be there. Has anyone gone through something like this? What did you do? I have a small family and 2 years ago my grandfather passed away and that was the first person I was close to in my family that passed and it was hard. I dont want to tell my kids anything but I dont know how to explain to them the tears.
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  #2  
Old 12-06-2010, 10:06 PM
More_Cowbell More_Cowbell is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

well.. i found out my grandmother had cancer a few weeks before we went down to florida for disney and we stopped by her place for 4th of july and my birthday and we had a good old time and pretty much succeded in not thinking about what may happen soon and we had the time of our lives..but on the way back home (day after my birthday) she passed away but at least i got to see her one more time and have fun with her.

so i would say make the best time you possibly can while you can and who knows 1 year might turn out to be 10 years
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  #3  
Old 12-06-2010, 10:07 PM
trcothorn trcothorn is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

man im sorry to hear this. so sad to hear. i cant give advice because ive never been through anything like this but ill be praying for your family
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  #4  
Old 12-06-2010, 10:17 PM
tmbrockett tmbrockett is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

sorry to here this man. I found out my grandpa had luekemia and only had a certain amount of time to live. he lived 20 years longer than the doctors told himhe would. best thing to do is keep your mind on other things and just spend as much time as you can with your dad. make him feel happy. how old are your kids? i would let them know that your dad is sick but dont tell them how long he has to live.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. this kind of thing is hard to deal with. just keep your head up and hope for the best
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  #5  
Old 12-06-2010, 10:23 PM
StrokerScamp StrokerScamp is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

Yeah. Been through it with both parents. Goin through it NOW with a good friend. Best advice I can give you is, break the ice by being honest. 100% absolutely honest. With the only exception being small children that really cannot grasp the reality of death yet. By being totally and completely honest and open, there's no walkin on eggshells and fewer awkward moments. Also......another bit of advice, although none of my business.....but remember, you DID ask for advice, ok? Is yours a family of faith? With God, all things are possible. With faith in Jesus Christ, there is a peacefulness that only Christians can know. Just having that faith can make all the difference in the world.

Also of note......it really sucks hind tit when doctors have the audacity to spew out a time limit. I have read and heard other doctors say that when that is done, often times it sets off a "death clock" of sorts in the human body. Sorta makes a good attitude hard to have. And attitude alone can can actually add time to one's life. That's medical FACT. Perhaps seek a second opinion from a more conservative doctor. At least that could make your father feel better.

Last edited by StrokerScamp; 12-06-2010 at 10:27 PM.
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  #6  
Old 12-06-2010, 10:27 PM
Clinton Clinton is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

Thanks guys. My kids are 8 and 11, my younger brother kids are alot younger. Its just hard, we live about 8 miles apart, I talk to him alot and we see him weekly if not more. He got me in the job I'm in when I was 18, He worked for the State Police and busted his ass all his life. I really want to make everyday a good day for him

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Originally Posted by StrokerScamp View Post
Yeah. Been through it with both parents. Goin through it NOW with a good friend. Best advice I can give you is, break the ice by being honest. 100% absolutely honest. With the only exception being small children that really cannot grasp the reality of death yet. By being totally and completely honest and open, there's no walkin on eggshells and fewer awkward moments. Also......another bit of advice, although none of my business.....but remember, you DID ask for advice, ok? Is yours a family of faith? With God, all things are possible. With faith in Jesus Christ, there is a peacefulness that only Christians can know. Just having that faith can make all the difference in the world.
We arent real church goers on Sundays or anything but we do have faith. Thanks alot man and my condolences for you family and friend
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  #7  
Old 12-06-2010, 10:29 PM
4evermodding 4evermodding is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

Clinton I know all too well about this situation, I sot my Mother in 1990 and lost my Grandmother 2 yrs later, Than lost my Dad I of course recently lost my Son and That's one hell of a way to put a guy through the ringers, I am thankful I'm as okay and strong as I am. Enjoy you Dad as he will miss all of you guys and do not want you to feel any pain, When people are aware of this at some point they get confirmation from upstairs and develop a deep since of Empathy for their loved ones, This is the case when they don't want the family to hold on and want you guys not to hurt anymore so that he can go.

As for your children, This is not a situation you should be telling them right now unless you do it Right, In other words please don't tell the kids GrandPa went to a better place ( than they feel like he did not like home); Also don't tell them GrandPa is sleeping (otherwise they are afraid to fall asleep themselves); Another is to not tell them God needed Grandpa and he brought him home (This leads to a false since of security and They start to think God is SELFISH), Be honest with them and let them know that Grandpa is sick and smoking cause some of his issues, And because of it, he will die soon; Not pass on but the actual word and that we all need to love and comfort and continue to help Grandpa have a good time while he is still here. (it teaches them to not be afraid of and to respect death)

Again I'm sorry for you lost and you can call on me at anytime for comfort brother, I will be here for you.
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  #8  
Old 12-06-2010, 10:31 PM
SPless SPless is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

On my Christmas break last year, my only remaining Grandfather(the other passed away when I was 7) went into the hospital with the lining of his stomach torn loose and twisted. I'm really good friends with the guy that drove the ambulance to the hospital on the transfer to a better hospital, and they lost him on the way. They revived him, and I visited him as he's laying in the bed hooked up on the machines, sitting with him when he woke up....nearly in tears since he's supposed to be the strong one that I've always looked up to. This pushed our family Christmas Dinner back to when he got out of the hospital on New Years Eve(I got the joy of driving him home). When we finally got back together, we didn't focus on how close we came to losing him or whatnot, but just rejoiced that the family could have one more holiday season with everybody there. I know this is a completely different situation, but the point is that you and your family should rejoice and have an awesome holiday season and just be thankful to be gifted another season with your loved ones, I know the situation is hard, and I have you in my prayers and thoughts.
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  #9  
Old 12-06-2010, 10:33 PM
StrokerScamp StrokerScamp is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

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Originally Posted by Clinton View Post
Thanks guys. My kids are 8 and 11, my younger brother kids are alot younger. Its just hard, we live about 8 miles apart, I talk to him alot and we see him weekly if not more. He got me in the job I'm in when I was 18, He worked for the State Police and busted his ass all his life. I really want to make everyday a good day for him

----------



We arent real church goers on Sundays or anything but we do have faith. Thanks alot man and my condolences for you family and friend
That's great to know. Remember, there were time Jesus himself had contempt for the church. It has always been my belief that as long as you just accept Jesus Christ, you got it licked. Might I suggest something for you then? Flip to Romans 10:9-13. Read that aloud with your family. Make SURE of where your father will be. You don't need a preist, pastor or clergy of any kind to accept Him. You have my love and my prayers my friend.
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  #10  
Old 12-06-2010, 10:38 PM
4evermodding 4evermodding is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

Amen!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  #11  
Old 12-06-2010, 10:42 PM
pooleo pooleo is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

My wifes side of the family has had alot of passings since i've been with her. They have all been Grandparents and the general feeling isnt pleasant of course but understood. Maybe this is because of them being older late 80's with all and I guess is "easier" to except than when it is unexpected or when it happens to youthful people. Some of them just wanted to live the last few the way they have always lived. Others enjoyed the increase in attention I guess you could say.

My advice, is to talk with your dad about it, find out his feelings, thoughts and what his wishes are. Passing is a part of life that nobody wants. It will be toughest thing you will have to do. But communication is very important. I personally dred this day when it comes around for my family, the thing is, is that it is inevitable, sooner or later we all will have to face it. I hope that I can take the advice I give you myself when that time comes.

Our prayers are with you and your family.
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  #12  
Old 12-07-2010, 04:12 AM
DHEM DHEM is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

yeah that was sorta what happened to my dad, you just gotta make the best you can out of it and have the most fun you can.

Who knows, he might live past what the doctor said, my dad ended up living a few years past what the doctors said he would.
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  #13  
Old 12-07-2010, 08:57 AM
richarddhoward richarddhoward is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

Man, sorry to hear that. My Dad and I really didn't get along great until recently, and now we get along a lot better now that I am out on my own and working. I cherish every moment with him, and he's a lot more like me then I though he was. I hope you can make the most of it in your Father's possible last days on earth.

My honest opinion, you are going to think about it. It's inevitable. The best you can do, is plan something, do it as a family, and have the best time of your life. Take stupid amounts of pictures and act like tourists in your home town. Throw your Dad in the truck and go cruise, I know one of my favorite things with my Dad is when he and I drive through the country back home, he points out all the things he helped build, or Grandpa helped build, the places they hung out as kids, the history etc. And I say take lots of pictures because frankly, it'll keep his smile around even if he isn't. One of my biggest regrets of my Grandfather (Norman Dale Howard) passing on 2 years ago, is that I didn't have more pictures of him, hell the photo in my apartment of him is from the 70's. The only difference between then and before he passed on is he didn't have as much grey hair lol. Best of luck to you man. You are in all of our thoughts and prayers. Keep your head up, and let your Dad live it up, do something crazy! You only get one chance here on earth that I know of, might as well go out smiling, exhausted and loving it!
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  #14  
Old 12-07-2010, 11:27 AM
StrokerScamp StrokerScamp is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

One more thing I'll add......and I'll shut up then. Sorry, it's tough for me to stop talking about faith because mine is strong. My father was diagnosed with lung cancer about 30 days to the day that he died. He had no symptoms other than a tough upper respiratory infection he could not kick. He wanted Holy Communion from a Methodist pastor. Of course, I made it happen. We took Cummunion with him as a family and it was very special. Not suggesting that specifically, but something along those lines your father might be comfortable with. As someone else pointed out, it's all about what he wants.
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  #15  
Old 12-07-2010, 11:54 AM
WearyTraveler WearyTraveler is offline
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Default Re: I need some advice, all advice would be appreciated.

I lost my father 8 years ago in Feb. I still miss him. He was diagnosed with cancer in 98 and lived the 5 years the surgeon gave him. I know how you feel.

My advice is to spend as much time with him as possible. Go camping, fishing whatever you guys like to do. Have your kids spend time with him too. At 8 and 11 they will understand, be truthful with them. Tell them what is going on. They are old enough to know something is wrong and they deserve to know.

Happy memories is what will keep everyone going. Someone suggested photos. Take lots of them. So you, your kids, and your family will have those memories to hold onto. My kids never met my dad (6, 6, 4, & 2) but they love him all the same. They love going to grandmas and seeing all of his pictures everywhere.

Also, it is something your family may not want to talk about right now, but while he is still healthier and able to get around good, look into the funeral and casket and burial plots. I know it sounds horrible but it is one of those things that you don't want to rush but also will take the stress out of things after he passes. He will be able to have his input for the readings or music he would like.
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