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Old 01-22-2010, 10:08 AM
Steviejay Steviejay is offline
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Exclamation The "True" Meanings Of The Haynes Manual Quotes

HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS




For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual (or Clymer or Chilton equivalents) in attempting home maintenance of a car or motorbike. For those who havn't used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at those who want to fix their own vehicles and which keep qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38 last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.
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2006 UK Ranger Wildtrak Double Cab 4x4/2x4 2.5Td, Titanium Grey, tinted windows, Blacked out Rear, rear sjs hard cover, sportz Blue bulbs, LED side lights, BFG KM2 MT - 31/10.5/15's
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  #2  
Old 01-22-2010, 10:09 AM
Steviejay Steviejay is offline
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Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.

Haynes: Drain off all fluids before removing cap.
Translation: Visit bathroom, spit on ground, remove baseball cap in order to scratch head in perplexity.

Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo the damage.

For Added Haynes Fun, go to the first section "Safety First" and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid. Would you really trust the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement?

The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed to mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the engine compartment or inside the car ..... and the helpful photo of what the thing looked like didn't give the reader any clues!


THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL
All makes and models post-2000

For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:

Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount of cash.

Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too scary. Proceed with routine service (see above).



HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing (fender).

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
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Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.


2006 UK Ranger Wildtrak Double Cab 4x4/2x4 2.5Td, Titanium Grey, tinted windows, Blacked out Rear, rear sjs hard cover, sportz Blue bulbs, LED side lights, BFG KM2 MT - 31/10.5/15's
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  #3  
Old 01-22-2010, 12:29 PM
aaron_ariens aaron_ariens is offline
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Hahahahahaha! Thats SO true! They make it looks so easy in the book! (I have the same book)
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1995 Acura Integra LS
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Lol, Aaron: "I only text with trees, it makes it hard to text while driving though, I have to keep running the truck into trees to text!!" EPIC my friend. Lol
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  #4  
Old 01-22-2010, 09:39 PM
Yrac Yrac is offline
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Too true! My favorite is "assembly reverse of disassembly" and disassembly is covered by "disassemble carefully".
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  #5  
Old 01-23-2010, 10:15 PM
RosieReb RosieReb is offline
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i was actually thinking about buying one of these i guess not then hummm...
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  #6  
Old 02-28-2010, 08:46 PM
BigT8600 BigT8600 is offline
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Sorry to bring up an older thread but damn! I completely agree! I was so excited to buy a manual off of ebay for cheap...now I know why it was cheap! I can't make heads or tails of a damn thing in here! and half the time they talk about 95 or older trucks. Well dang, the manual says 93 - 08...who cares about those two years. They exclude 96-08 almost half of the time! Other things I want to fix always say go to chapter blah blah blah or even please take to a certified technician! Damn! ok thats over...

Still trying to replace my output shaft seal...see my thread in drivetrains if you can help!
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  #7  
Old 03-04-2010, 05:02 PM
whfd930 whfd930 is offline
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I am still laughing Damn It Boy!!!!!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2001xlt4d View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by surfer03133 View Post
it can get tough to get the tool to fit in the slot,
Quote:
Originally Posted by Steviejay View Post
Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere..
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.,



2003 single cab, Edge package, 3.0 5sp 2wd
Red and blue lights all around
Icom 7000 Ham radio w/75m resonator and 2m/440 5/8 wave
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  #8  
Old 03-04-2010, 05:25 PM
01_ranger_4x4 01_ranger_4x4 is offline
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ha ha those are great man, very true too! lol
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2001 Ranger 4x4 Stepside
-RCD Suspension lift
-33x12.5 BFG KM2's on Mickey Thomson classic locks
-4:56 gears
-Auburn gear LS
-James Duff traction bars
-Headers
-Flowmaster duals
-SCT X-Cal2 and some small exterior mods

http://www.cardomain.com/ride/2321189

2005 F-150 Lariat 4x4
-LED third brake light
-Weathertech floor liners
-Edge tuner
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  #9  
Old 03-07-2010, 04:37 PM
Daedalus Daedalus is offline
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Default Re: The "True" Meanings Of The Haynes Manual Quotes

Are Chiltons manuals any better?
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  #10  
Old 03-07-2010, 04:56 PM
richarddhoward richarddhoward is offline
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Default Re: The "True" Meanings Of The Haynes Manual Quotes

Chiltons are just as bad. I can't stop laughing at some of those translations lol
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Old 03-09-2010, 06:02 PM
lifted92ranger lifted92ranger is offline
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Default Re: The "True" Meanings Of The Haynes Manual Quotes

Lol Ok now when you get me a copy get me the copy for the 92 rangers.
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  #12  
Old 03-15-2010, 11:46 AM
fauxreal84 fauxreal84 is offline
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Default Re: The "True" Meanings Of The Haynes Manual Quotes

holy shit those are funny, so very true. love this

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
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  #13  
Old 03-15-2010, 03:32 PM
whfd930 whfd930 is offline
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Default Re: The "True" Meanings Of The Haynes Manual Quotes

Quote:
Originally Posted by fauxreal84 View Post
holy shit those are funny, so very true. love this

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Yes it is and was tag line worthy as you can see
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2001xlt4d View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by surfer03133 View Post
it can get tough to get the tool to fit in the slot,
Quote:
Originally Posted by Steviejay View Post
Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere..
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.,



2003 single cab, Edge package, 3.0 5sp 2wd
Red and blue lights all around
Icom 7000 Ham radio w/75m resonator and 2m/440 5/8 wave
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  #14  
Old 03-15-2010, 04:35 PM
Steviejay Steviejay is offline
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Default Re: The "True" Meanings Of The Haynes Manual Quotes

Lmao it's never as easy as they say, whenever I work on my truck my knuckles look like I just did 50 rounds with a brick wall embedded with broken glass and 6" nails.
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Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.


2006 UK Ranger Wildtrak Double Cab 4x4/2x4 2.5Td, Titanium Grey, tinted windows, Blacked out Rear, rear sjs hard cover, sportz Blue bulbs, LED side lights, BFG KM2 MT - 31/10.5/15's
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  #15  
Old 03-21-2010, 01:42 AM
cacher cacher is offline
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Default Re: The "True" Meanings Of The Haynes Manual Quotes

Let me guess you work for Haynes?
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