Ponderisms

FX4 · #1 09-02-2010, 03:19 PM

PONDERISMS

1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3· Life is sexually transmitted.

4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

20. Why do people order a double cheese burger, large fry and a Diet Coke?

21. Why do Drive Up ATMs have braile?

22. Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

23. Why do people ask stupid questions?

24. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich ..

25. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

26. Some people are like a Slinky ...
not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when
you shove them down the stairs.

27. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

28. Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

29. and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age;
it doesn't last long."