have a fav joke post it and share here - Page 5

pooleo · #61 10-31-2010, 01:37 PM

So whats the difference between a white owl and a black owl....?

The white owl says "who, who"

The black owl says " who'dat, who'dat"

vinny18 · #62 11-07-2010, 01:37 PM

Here's a nice racist one.

What happend to the black jew?

He had to stand in the back of the oven.

TurdFX4 · #63 11-07-2010, 01:40 PM

Man I got some jewish ones but i dont want to get this thread closed

southbama man · #64 11-07-2010, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pooleo8

So whats the difference between a white owl and a black owl....?

The white owl says "who, who"

The black owl says " who'dat, who'dat"

You suck lol! Who Dat! (Yes, I am white)

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Please, don't close this thread and don't ban me.
Whats the difference between a hard working black man and bigfoot? Bigfoot has been spotted.

08Ranger Sport 4x4 · #65 11-08-2010, 11:40 AM

Good 'ol women jokes:
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, They can't change anything.

What's the difference between a dog and a woman?

The dog shuts up when you let it in the house.

Why are women such bad drivers?

Because there is no highway from the bedroom to the kitchen.

What do you tell a women with two black eyes?

Nothing you've already told her twice.

Why are womens feet so small and why don't they wear watches?

So they can stand closer to the stove to read to clock on the stove.

Demon-FX4 · #66 11-08-2010, 01:06 PM

THE CANDYWRAPPER

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue
when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy!
I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.
She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff."
I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver.
Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!"
as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.

Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!

08Ranger Sport 4x4 · #67 11-08-2010, 01:13 PM

^^^hahahahaha

TurdFX4 · #68 11-08-2010, 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 08Ranger Sport 4x4

Why are womens feet so small and why don't they wear watches?

So they can stand closer to the stove to read to clock on the stove.

I know another variation of that joke:

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

08Ranger Sport 4x4 · #69 11-08-2010, 02:36 PM

^^^Why did the woman cross the road?

The better question is why isn't she in the kitchen?

Demon-FX4 · #70 11-08-2010, 03:06 PM

u guys are rough lol

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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New Twist on an old Fav

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01, the first1 person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th floor apartment my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight and I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Jordan said, "No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on
the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit
some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well sir," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Vernon enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war go through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died." Clinton says," OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

2004xlmiller · #71 11-10-2010, 01:12 PM

^^ thats a good one.

a rich man find out that he only has one day to live. he sells all of his stocks and says goodbye to his family. he calls god and wants to know if he can bring anything to heaven. god says yes, so he packs all of his gold and puts it in a briefcase, then goes up to heaven. when he gets there the guard at the gate stops him cause he had his briefcase. the man says that he already cleared this with god. so the guard calls god and god tells him its ok. but before the guard lets the man in, he asks to see whats in the case. the rich man shows him and the guard says

"....YOU BROUGHT PAVEMENT??"

southbama man · #72 11-16-2010, 01:58 PM

Obama Jokes! Here is a few!

whats the diffrence between sarah palin and michelle obama

playboy and national geographic

A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin asking, "How did the human race start?". Sarah Palin answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and all mankind was made."

The next day the little girl wrote to Michelle Obama and asked the same question. Michelle Obama answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys in Africa from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl went to her father and asked, "How come Sarah Palin told me that mankind was created by God, and Michelle Obama told me mankind evolved from monkeys?"

Her father answers, "Well, it's very simple . . . Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors, and Michelle Obama told you about hers!"

Heard of the new Obama value meal.?...Order anything you want and the guy after you has to pay for it.!.

A Bill Maher is interviewing both Presidents Clinton and Obama. During the interview Mr. Clinton is asked about the Monica Lewinski sex scandal and whether he was lying. Mr. Clinton in his defense (in an upright position gesturing with his hands in front of his crotch as if a woman was performing oral sex on him) replied “I was standing”. Then Mr. Maher turned to Mr. Obama, who quickly said “I am always lying”.

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.

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Q. Why did the Secret Service install lighting rods at the White House?
A. To protect President Obama as he took his Oath of Office.

2004xlmiller · #73 11-17-2010, 12:17 PM

hahaha, i like that one about pelosi and him in a boat

southbama man · #74 11-17-2010, 01:39 PM

Haha me too

azgilamonster · #75 11-22-2010, 10:35 AM

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdo's from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US NOW !

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Bitches 'til the End !
Man, I'll tell ya, women can be cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.