Quote:
Originally Posted by Art Barnhouse
Today I finally submitted an application to become a chimney sweep.
What did you say?
Of course I was nervous! Though my heart was pounding against my chest like the pendulous guts of two obese nymphomaniacs, I marched into that office with a sense of purpose unlike anything I've felt before.
The secretary looked at me like I was a madman. I couldn't blame her. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a polished plaque hanging on the wall. My eyes were aflame and my teeth were gnashing on my already-bloody arm. I knew I had come to the right place -- the plaque proudly boasted that Charlie's Chimney Sweep, Inc. had won the nation's top honor in chimney sweeping 3-1/2 years straight.
I said to the secretary, I said, "Hey, bitch! You know who I am?"
That's exactly what I said.
She smiled, "No." But too late. I noticed the tiny beads of sweat breaking out on her upper lip.
Anyway, I filled out the application. Let's keep our fingers crossed!
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So you want to be a chimney sweep, eh?
EH?!
Not while I'm still kickin',chief. You will never, let me repeat, Never, step foot near a chimney.
You think I've forgotten. But I haven't. You see, there's something about picking the lint from the bellybuttons of strangers that causes a fella to remember with perfect clarity how you screwed me over 15 years ago. Yeah. That's right. For 15 long years I've waited for this opportunity. I've slept on a bed made of dirty, dirty lint and subsisted on a diet of chocolate bunnies, and now the time has come!